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I cant believe the situation Ive put myself in, and of course its all my fault… God, how my arms ache with longing to hold her again. How my heart bleeds to think of all the hell Ive caused.
How my soul cries in anguish, knowing that I am now totally alone, and that lonliness burns with the fire of my own self loathing…
I am lost.
I am hurt..
and I cant stop crying.

Fuck everything. I have nothing left to give, I’m emotionally dead, tired, and I can’t even begin on everything I have to do because I’m JUST. SO. DONE.

   If  anyone reading this a familiar with the novel Dune, by Frank Herbert, then you will understand the title of this post. If not, I posted the entirety of the litany from which it comes from previously. (Check it out!)

   Before you begin to wonder what this blog is about, let me tell you: Whining.

That’s right, this blog is for me to bemoan my various day to day problems, and to ask for advice or consolation. 

Sorry for any dissapointment.

I’m a twenty-ish male college student living in the desert Southwest. My father is an alchoholic schitzofrenic who has caused me immesurable emotional damage, and my mother is a loose woman who often cheated on him. I live with my girlfriend (well, ex..), am currently unemployed, and like to read, spin poi, and watch porn.

I’m attending college but feel directionless, as the major I was working toward has slowly but surely lost any interest for me. This is stressful. 

I’m jealous in relationships, have little to no sense of self worth, I am selfish, pig headed, and quietly dying inside. I handle criticism by admitting that, ‘yes, I do suck at this, I should just stop trying.’

Wow. Reading all that together gave me the warm fuzzies…..Not.

For all of this, I have to admit that I do feel rather pathetic and silly voicing all these things to the internet, but on the other hand I can’t really voice these to anyone else, and I feel the genuine need to get things of my chest these days.

Ok, so as I said, I live with my ex girlfriend. This would be fine, if either of us could keep from being emotionally and physically involved with the other one. We moved in when we were still together, and, innevitably, the confines of the apartment slowly and surely ripped our relationship apart. It wasn’t the little things usually associated with living with a new person: dirty laundry, annoying habits, odd sleeping schedules. No. Those things we could handle.

However, it was the fact that when you live with someone, you have to spend much, much more time with them. This means that you really get to know them, not just the front they usually put up for dates or any other time spent together.

This is a problem. My ex and I had hardly been dating six months when we moved in together. I know what you’re thinking, “Six months! This guy’s an idiot, why would he rush like that?”. The answer is simple:I had to. She’s not from this state, and she lived with her brother here while she attended school. However her brother was un-used to living with someone else, and was incredibly strict. He threatened a few times to kick her out, which would mean she’d have to go out of state again to live with her parents. I didn’t want that. So here we are, brand new apartment, brand new adventure, happy outlook on life….Skip ahead a few weeks.

Actually, I’ll save that for later. I still have to tell you how me ex and I met, courted, etc. It’s important for the story.

This is getting a little long so I’ll cut it off here. Thank you very much for listening, I hope you guys can maybe reblog this, just for my own satisfaction :D

Ta ta,

     ~Valaritas